Netflix’s “Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story” – Insights from a Gay Therapist and Coach on Healing for Gay Male Survivors of Sexual Trauma
As a gay men’s specialist psychotherapist, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, I have spent 32 years working with male survivors of sexual trauma, including those who have faced incest and molestation. Netflix’s Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story is a gripping look at the sensational 1990s murder trial that shocked the world, bringing attention to issues like parental abuse, incest, and sexual assault, which continue to impact survivors today. I even found it interesting that the show reveals that Lyle wore a hair system, which I do, as does my great colleague in Detroit, Joe Kort, PhD, and discussed on Tik-Tok. So, the show seems timely on all kinds of levels!
While Lyle and Erik have always identified as heterosexual, issues of sexual assault for male survivors, straight and gay, and other sexual identities, can overlap. Here, from my perspective as a gay men’s specialist, I will discuss some of both. For gay male survivors of incest and sexual abuse, the now-legendary story of the Menendez Brothers opens up difficult but necessary conversations about trauma, credibility, and healing, and where social ills like incest and sexual abuse meet high-visibility media, and the sensationalism in the American justice system, which has only increased since the days of the Menendez trials and the growth of sensationalized media and social media, especially regarding crime and politics.
Sexual Abuse, Trauma, and Parricide: Are They Connected?
Cases of parricide (killing one’s parents) often involve issues of abuse. Cases of children killing their parents are often linked to long histories of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. For gay men, these dynamics are even more complex. The shame, secrecy, and silence that can follow sexual abuse—especially when the perpetrator is a parent—leads to deep emotional scars.
Gay male survivors of incest and sexual assault face additional layers of stigma. Society often marginalizes their experiences, and survivors may wrestle with identity issues, further complicated by internalized homophobia and abuse. The painful and incorrect assumption that being abused by a male perpetrator “makes you gay” is unfortunately still pervasive. This is not only untrue, but it ignores the real psychological phenomenon of “repetition compulsion”—where straight male survivors may seek to recreate their trauma in unconscious attempts to master it. Both straight and gay male survivors need a lot of support for healing, so that they can reclaim their right to happy and satisfying sexual and emotional adult relationships. As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, I help gay men overcome many kinds of challenges to fulfilling sex lives.
Can We Believe the Menendez Brothers’ Claims?
One of the most controversial aspects of the Menendez case is whether we should believe Lyle and Erik’s claims that they suffered years of sexual abuse by their father. Many argue this was a cynical defense strategy to justify the parricide of their wealthy parents to inherit their fortune, but evidence suggests the abuse may have been real. Letters written by Erik to his cousin describe the horrific acts of molestation, and this newly discovered evidence has raised fresh questions about whether their actions were in self-defense rather than driven by greed or sociopathy. In fact, recent developments indicate that this letter might even lead to a new trial, shedding light on a possible history of ongoing abuse that had been minimized in the original trial.
For survivors like Lyle and Erik, the trauma of sexual abuse and the pressures of a super-competitive, appearance-driven culture like Los Angeles and Hollywood could have contributed to their mental distress. Class and appearance privilege played a role, too: being the sons of a wealthy, powerful entertainment executive may have silenced their cries for help.
The brothers’ testimony, the graphic nature of the allegations, and the emotional responses they displayed during the trial mirror those of many abuse survivors. Others would point to the “crocodile tears” during the trial of Kyle Rittenhouse as a manipulative ploy for sympathy, and it worked: he was acquitted, while Lyle and Erik were not. With the presence of a legal murder case trial, the justice system part of the story and the emotional reality part of the story get conflated. Does being a victim of severe abuse justify murder? The legal system treats these ideas in complex ways, differentiating manslaughter from Premeditated Murder, or “crimes of passion,” or even “temporary insanity,” which is a legal term but not a mental health term.
This dichotomy—victim or villain—often plays out in the media when male survivors come forward, particularly when the perpetrators are parents. Society tends to struggle with holding both ideas at once: that someone can be deeply wounded by trauma and still capable of terrible actions.
In the years since their conviction, both Lyle and Erik have been heterosexually married while in prison. Lyle Menendez married Rebecca Sneed, a former magazine editor, in 2003. They had known each other for years before getting married while he was in prison. Erik Menendez married Tammi Saccoman in 1999. Tammi has been a vocal supporter of Erik throughout his time in prison, and she has even written a book about their relationship titled They Said We’d Never Make It.
Lyle and Erik Menendez’s marriages to Rebecca Sneed and Tammi Saccoman have sparked significant public interest, particularly in relation to the psychological phenomenon where some individuals are attracted to people convicted of violent crimes. This fascination is often linked to a condition known as hybristophilia, sometimes referred to as a “bad boy” or “criminal lover” fetish. Hybristophilia involves sexual attraction to people who have committed crimes, especially those considered heinous or violent. These can be of all genders and sexual orientations.
Reasons Behind Marrying Convicted Murderers:
- Notoriety and Power: Some women may be attracted to the power and notoriety surrounding infamous criminals like the Menendez brothers. The “bad boy” allure, combined with their high-profile case, can create a fascination with the danger and mystery associated with their violent pasts.
- Control and Fantasy: In the case of Erik and Tammi Saccoman, she has said that being with someone in prison allows for a controlled form of intimacy. Since the relationship is heavily restricted (no conjugal visits, for instance), it creates a fantasy space where the relationship is idealized, without the pressures of everyday life.
- Belief in Innocence: Tammi Saccoman, Erik’s wife, has publicly expressed her belief in his innocence, or at least her belief that the abuse they endured justifies their actions. This could contribute to her decision to marry him, as she may see him as a victim rather than a perpetrator.
While hybristophilia can explain some aspects of these relationships, it is important to note that both women have stated that their relationships are based on love, support, and mutual understanding, rather than a mere attraction to the brothers’ crimes. For some, these marriages may be seen as part of a larger psychological pattern, but the individuals involved often express their relationships in terms of emotional connection and loyalty.
Class Privilege and Abuse: The Menendez Brothers vs. Average Survivors
The Menendez brothers had the wealth, privilege, and high-profile upbringing in Beverly Hills that most survivors don’t share. The resources they had allowed them access to luxury items, but also made them targets for those who expected them to live up to their father’s legacy. For more average survivors, especially gay men, life often doesn’t include wealth or fame—but the emotional and psychological wounds of sexual abuse are no less profound.
We struggle in the United States with “tiers of care”, throughout the medical system and certainly in mental health. Advocacy for mental health involves emphasizing that everyone is equally deserving of help for the trauma they have endured, and the fight for access to care is ongoing socially, politically, and legally.
The Role of the Menendez Brothers’ Therapist, Dr. Jerome Oziel
In the Menendez brothers’ trial, their therapist, Dr. Jerome Oziel, played a highly controversial role. Oziel’s ethical violations undermined the public’s trust in the therapeutic process and highlighted the critical importance of therapist confidentiality, all guided by the HIPAA confidentiality laws. Oziel secretly recorded sessions with Lyle and Erik, in which the brothers reportedly confessed to killing their parents. But these recordings weren’t handled with the utmost care—Oziel shared them with his mistress, Judalon Smyth, who later used the information to expose the brothers.
Dr. Oziel’s actions violated fundamental principles of client confidentiality under California law and the ethical standards of the American Psychological Association (APA) and other governing bodies like the California Board of Behavioral Sciences. His decision to secretly record therapy sessions without the explicit consent of his clients was not only unethical but illegal. Under California law, it is illegal to record confidential conversations without the consent of all parties involved, a violation that undermines the trust between therapist and client. Oziel failed to safeguard these sensitive recordings by allowing them to fall into the hands of his mistress, which compromised the integrity of his practice and harmed his clients.
The fact that Oziel shared the privileged information with a third party breached the most sacred aspect of therapy: the confidentiality that allows clients to be vulnerable without fear of exposure. The APA’s Ethics Code explicitly requires therapists to maintain the privacy of their clients unless there is a clear, imminent risk of harm to the client or others.
The Menendez case serves as a cautionary tale of how one therapist’s conduct can shake public confidence in psychotherapy. However, it is important to understand that Oziel’s behavior is not representative of the profession as a whole. Clients should not be deterred from seeking therapy because of this isolated case. My own practice is built on a foundation of strict adherence to professional ethics, including maintaining client confidentiality and safeguarding any personal information disclosed during sessions. Practicing in Los Angeles, the land of “Hollywood,” this is further nuanced by working with some high-profile people in the public eye.
Where Is Dr. Oziel Now?
Following his involvement in the Menendez case, Dr. Jerome Oziel faced professional and legal consequences for his ethical breaches. He was eventually stripped of his license to practice as a psychologist in California, marking the end of his controversial career. Although he remains a highly discussed figure in legal and psychological ethics circles, Oziel’s reputation has been tarnished by his unethical behavior. His actions remain a powerful example of how therapists must adhere to strict ethical guidelines to protect the trust and welfare of their clients. Dr. Jerome Oziel is still alive in 2024. After losing his psychology license in 1997 due to professional misconduct, he is no longer practicing as a therapist. Oziel now resides in New Mexico, where he works in marital mediation, helping couples improve their relationships through mediation, serving as an alternative to divorce. His involvement in the Menendez case continues to draw attention, especially with recent media adaptations, but he has distanced himself from public commentary on these dramatizations.
Judalon Smyth, who played a key role in the Menendez brothers’ murder trial, has since moved away from the public spotlight to another state. After her involvement in the trial, Smyth faced significant public backlash, which led her to seek a more private existence as a now-retired Emergency Medical Technician.
Even Lyle and Erik, now in the same prison near San Diego serving sentences without possibility of parole, have conducted classes and prison work, including activities to support sexual abuse survivors.
I find interesting that these various figures involved in the trial are all involved in activities that somehow support people, though Smyth and defense attorney Leslie Abramson are now retired out of the limelight.
How Gay Male Survivors Differ from Straight Male Survivors
Gay male survivors of sexual abuse often face unique challenges compared to straight ones. Society imposes harmful myths, such as the fallacy that boys who are sexually abused by male perpetrators will “turn gay.” Recently, vehement and acridly aggressive attempts by Republican politicians and caustic “conservative” media personalities jockeying for the fame and fortune that come with attention and notoriety in this “social media” age, have propagated this myth, along with the dangerous and hateful myth that “drag queens groom children” for abuse or try to “cause them to be gay,” or that teachers teaching or even mentioning the reality of the diversity of the American Family will also “cause” students to be gay or trans, or teaching about LGBTQ+ history. All of this simply isn’t true—sexual orientation is innate, and abuse does not determine one’s sexual identity. However, both gay and straight survivors might struggle with repetition compulsion, where they may re-enact aspects of their trauma in adult activities, probably unconsciously, seeking out abusive or exploitive experiences in a complex unconscious attempt to make sense or regain control of what happened to them. But even straight male survivors doing this does not mean they are gay, and these nuances can be difficult for bigots to understand, most of all because they don’t want to. The difference between this and genuine sexual orientation needs to be addressed compassionately in therapy for both gay and straight survivors, helping them to reclaim their right to their adult sexuality free of the influence of past abuse.
Additionally, gay male survivors may carry internalized homophobia or self-loathing stemming from their abuse, or guilt about “what if I enjoyed it”, particularly if their abuser was male. For survivors, even if they “enjoyed” a pleasurable stimulation, or the attention, it’s the power imbalance and the violation of their fundamental rights by a perpetrator that’s the problem. In can be even more complex when the perpetrator is female, or a co-perpetrator, such as in the case of the Menendez Brothers’ mother, who allegedly “kept quiet for the sake of the family,”, but this can also happen for women are victims of patriarchy and toxic masculinity and are afraid to speak up, including fear for their lives. For all survivors, breaking the cycle of shame and learning to experience consensual, affirming relationships can be a key part of the healing process.
How Therapy Helps Gay Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse
If you are a gay male survivor of sexual abuse, incest, or molestation, you are not alone—and therapy can help you reclaim your life. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is one of the most effective approaches to help survivors process their abuse, reduce feelings of shame and self-blame, and begin the journey toward healing. In therapy, we work to address the intrusive thoughts, depression, and anxiety that sexual trauma often brings, helping survivors develop healthier emotional responses and a stronger sense of self-worth.
T
herapy also provides a safe space to explore the complicated emotions survivors may feel toward their abusers. In cases of parental abuse, these emotions may include love, hate, fear, and shame, all intertwined. We work through these emotions together so you can move forward without being held captive by your past.
Even in Telehealth sessions, I have seen tremendous progress with survivors who are ready to take the courageous step toward healing. While in-person therapy offers its own strengths, studies show that virtual therapy can be just as effective in helping you reach your emotional health goals.
Therapy Can Help Survivors Heal
Trauma therapy offers survivors the opportunity to reclaim their lives, reduce symptoms of PTSD, and move toward personal goals. Techniques like Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) help survivors reframe negative thoughts and develop healthier coping mechanisms. In my practice, I’ve seen firsthand how these therapies empower survivors to thrive, even after enduring horrific abuse.
But the decision to seek help, for male survivors in general and for gay male survivors in particular, can have its challenges. There can be “access to treatment issues,” such as are there available, qualified providers of psychotherapy (or possibly life coaching) who are both qualified to help specifically male, especially gay male survivors, with the appropriate cultural competency to help gay men (not all providers have adequate training for this), and they need to be accessible (such as either being available in your local area, or available via Telehealth). Unfortunately, for providers managing a private practice, cost can be an issue, just like with medical, dental, vision, chiropractic, physical therapy, or other forms of health care, especially in the United States but also worldwide. Politically, legally, and socially, we need much more advocacy for access to care. Specialized providers like me, especially those senior in the field with decades of experience, tend to have higher fees, but even newcomers who live in high cost of living cities can have similar fees. Politically, electing politicians who support public funding of mental health and social services is always important in every locale.
Other barriers to receiving help are more psychological in nature, such as:
- Shame and Stigma
Many male survivors of abuse experience feelings of shame or embarrassment, which can make them hesitant to seek therapy. Societal expectations about masculinity often lead to internalized shame, where you might believe that needing help is a sign of weakness.
- What You Can Do: It’s important to understand that seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of courage. Start by acknowledging that healing emotional wounds is just as necessary as healing physical ones. You don’t have to face this alone, and talking about your experiences can help reduce the power of shame over time. Many others have taken this step and benefited greatly, and so can you.
- Fear of Vulnerability
You might feel that opening up in therapy means exposing your most personal, painful experiences—something that can feel frightening or overwhelming, especially if you’ve been taught to “stay strong” or keep emotions in check.
- What You Can Do: You don’t have to open up all at once. Therapy is a process that unfolds at your own pace. Give yourself permission to take small steps toward vulnerability. You can share what you’re comfortable with, and as trust builds, so will your ability to open up. Remember, it’s the paradox that vulnerability is a strength, and in therapy, it’s a path toward healing.
- Doubt in the Effectiveness of Therapy
It’s normal to wonder if therapy can really help, especially if you’ve tried to work through things on your own or if therapy hasn’t been effective in the past. Many guys I work with, especially gay men who have had straight and/or female therapists in the past, complain to me that their previous providers “don’t get it” on either male survivor issues or gay issues. This is especially true involving complex sexual issues like survivors who have a kink or BDSM interest, which all too often can be seen as an extension of their trauma and dismissed, which it’s often not. The component of specifically gay male affirmative, and even kink-affirmative, therapy is crucial.
- What You Can Do: Educating yourself about how therapy works can help overcome this doubt. Different approaches, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), or Psychodynamic Therapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Existential Therapy, Seeking Safety, Prolonged Exposure Therapy, and others, are evidence-based and have been shown to help many individuals. Trying out therapy with an open mind and giving it time to work is key—many people experience significant relief over time. I think the improvement and healing really starts on the first session, when you feel like you have a safe place to bring your feelings and experiences to.
- Controversy Surrounding EMDR and Other Therapy Models
You might have heard of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a therapy often recommended for trauma. While EMDR is evidence-based and has been helpful for many, it’s also controversial, particularly regarding the eye movement component. Some research suggests that it’s not the eye movements but the cognitive processes involved that are most helpful, which raises questions about whether it’s more science or pseudoscience.
Despite this, other therapy models are equally, if not more, effective and don’t rely on controversial techniques. Here are three evidence-based alternatives:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): A widely researched and effective approach that helps you change unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviors. CBT is considered one of the most effective therapies for a range of mental health conditions.
- Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT): Specifically designed for trauma survivors, this model integrates trauma-sensitive interventions with cognitive behavioral techniques.
- Psychodynamic Therapy: Focuses on understanding and resolving deep-seated emotional conflicts, often related to early life experiences. It helps you gain insight into the root causes of your emotional pain.
Research has shown that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) consistently ranks as one of the most successful therapy models across a wide range of mental health conditions, including trauma. It’s highly structured, evidence-based, and has been proven effective for many individuals.
By exploring different therapy options and choosing one that feels right for you, you can take an empowered step toward healing.
The Statistics Speak for Themselves: Therapy Works
Research consistently shows that therapy is crucial for survivors of incest and sexual abuse. Studies indicate that survivors who engage in trauma-focused therapies are more likely to experience reduced symptoms of depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Survivors often report increased self-esteem, improved relationships, and a better quality of life.
At GayTherapyLA, I’ve written extensively on the topic of gay male incest and trauma survivors, and I invite you to explore those articles at GayTherapyLA.com/blog. Survivors deserve to be believed, supported, and guided toward a life where they can heal and thrive.
If you’re a gay male survivor of sexual abuse, reach out. Therapy can help you find hope, healing, and a way forward. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone—there is help, and there is hope.
Life Coaching for Gay Male Survivors: Rebuilding Life on Your Terms
In addition to therapy, life coaching can offer survivors a structured way to rebuild their lives, setting goals that support their overall well-being. I provide separate professional programs in helping gay men, both therapy and coaching. In coaching, I help clients regain a sense of control by setting actionable goals such as finding fulfilling relationships, enhancing their career path, or developing personal projects that give them a renewed sense of purpose.
For example, coaching might focus on career development, personal empowerment, or building healthier, more trusting relationships. Both my therapy and coaching services are informed from the very specific sex education material I received by being an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, which is an 18-month training program which has the sexual and relational education that most Master’s or Doctoral-level psychotherapists don’t receive.
The efforts that a survivor makes by availing themselves of a variety of supportive resources help them not only recover from their past, but also thrive in their future, in all kinds of distinct but related areas such as self-esteem, self-concept, sex life, relationships, earning power and career success, general health, forming their own families away from abusive components, and reclaiming their lives for happiness and success, despite prior hardships.
How I Can Help Gay Male Survivors
If you’re a gay man who has experienced abuse, incest, or molestation, know that healing is possible. Whether you were abused as a child or experienced sexual assault as an adult, as a number of guys in my practice have, the trauma does not have to define your future. You deserve to be heard, believed, and supported.
Many survivors feel trapped in cycles of self-blame, anger, or compulsive behaviors that mirror their trauma. Therapy can help break these cycles, offering a path to healing, self-acceptance, and a healthy future. You do not have to carry the burden of your trauma alone.
As a Certified Sex Therapist, I help gay male clients overcome some of the complications to your sex life that can occur. Survivors who endured forced oral copulation, for example, might have a sensitive gag reflex and performing fellatio in their adult sexual life can trigger intrusive memories very bodily. Similarly, survivors who endured forced penetration might have an aversion to being penetrated, even though they might desire to “bottom” for their sex partners. Being touched on certain parts of their party, or how they touch their partners, can trigger intrusive reactions. Different aspects of the senses of sight, smell, touch, tase, and hearing can be related to triggers. Sex Therapy to reclaim your sex life and heal triggers that remind one of abuse can be enormously helpful and self-empowering as an adult, consensual sexual being, utilizing the Six Principles of Sexual Health from Doug Braun-Harvy and Michael Vigorito, that I have adapted in the past to more specifically address their application to gay men.
Survivors form a community of people in our world. Unfortunately, I believe the number of sexual abuse, molestation, and sexual assault survivors is larger than the general public believes. It’s that “if you know, you know” phenomenon. Survivors need support not only for their emotional, mental health, but also for their overall functioning so they don’t under-earn in their livelihood, or hold themselves back from life dreams, or go for the wrong partners who just re-abuse them, or go through life feeling diminished or less-than, when it is their perpetrator who is to blame, not the survivor. Healing helps a survivor overcome the diminished quality of life that can come from enduring sexual crimes, and helps them to avoid maladaptive coping strategies such as violence and revenge. Our system failed the Menendez Brothers because despite their ability to afford therapy, the therapy they had didn’t address the family crisis and made the brothers, erroneously, feel that murderous retaliation was their only option, especially since they were not, at that time, minors, they were already legal adults who could have theoretically just walked away.
If it takes a high-profile True Crime case like this one, and the various media depictions of it, including this latest offering from Netflix, to bring awareness, maybe that will help address this gravely serious problem in society. I hope the show helps foster discussions such as these, that might help let survivors know that help is available in many different forms and from many different kinds of providers, while my area, and my profession, is just more specifically for the gay male survivors, but people of all gender identities, sexual orientations, and other demographics all deserve specialized help.
If you are ready to take the next step toward healing, I encourage you to reach out. Together, we can begin the journey toward reclaiming your life, free from the weight of your past. I invite you to contact me at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, text/call me at 310-339-5778. Visit other articles at GayTherapyLA.com/blog, or GayCoachingLA.com. Together, we can work through the pain of the past and help you rebuild your life.
