Gay men have developed an extensive vocabulary for talking about sex and relationships. We can be tops, bottoms, versatile, vers-tops, or vers-bottoms. Sometimes we become so accustomed to those categories that we overlook the assumption beneath them: that anal intercourse will necessarily be part of sex.
But what if it is not?
Gay men who prefer sex without anal penetration have increasingly adopted another term: side. My colleague, psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Joe Kort, coined the term in his 2013 article “Guys on the ‘Side’: Looking Beyond Gay Tops and Bottoms” and later developed the concept in articles, interviews, educational content, and his book Side Guys. His work has helped validate gay men who enjoy sex but do not want anal intercourse to define it. I want to acknowledge that intellectual lineage explicitly: side is Kort’s terminology and contribution. His articles “Gay Sides: How Language Frees Us to Be Ourselves” and “Side Guys: It’s Still Sex Even if You Don’t Have Intercourse” offer further discussion of the term and its significance.
My related clinical question, drawn from my work with gay men, is this: How does a man arrive at identifying as a side, and what can that process teach him about sexual self-empowerment?
If questions about sexual roles, desire, or anxiety have made it harder to enjoy sex on your own terms, Sex Therapy for Gay Men or Coaching for Gay Men Worldwide can provide an affirming place to sort out what you want without pressure to adopt any particular label or sexual practice.
Gay Men Need Validation for How We Express Our Sexuality
We frequently talk about gay men needing validation of our sexual orientation. Coming out means saying, in effect: This is who I am. My attraction to men is legitimate. My relationships are legitimate. My sexuality is legitimate.
Another level of validation receives much less attention. Gay men also need validation for how we choose to express that sexuality.
Throughout my work as a gay men’s specialist psychotherapist, coach, and sex therapist, I have emphasized a concept I call sexual self-empowerment. My definition is deliberately simple: Sexual self-empowerment means saying yes when you want to say yes and saying no when you want to say no, without hesitation, guilt, or apology.
That principle applies to being gay in the first place. It also applies to what you do sexually, what you do not do, whom you do it with, the relationships you create, what turns you on, what does not, and how any of those things might change throughout your life.
Being a side is one of those options. You do not have to top, bottom, or be versatile, and you do not owe anyone an apology for that choice.
Sex Does Not Have to Mean Anal Sex
Removing anal intercourse from the definition of “real sex” does not leave us with much less sex. It may reveal an enormous sexual repertoire.
Side sex might include oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage and other body-to-body stimulation, kissing, nipple play, digital stimulation, sex toys, massage, erotic role-play, and many forms of BDSM and kink. Kink alone can involve bondage, restraint, blindfolds, sensory deprivation or enhancement, impact play, temperature play, and equipment ranging from cuffs and crops to other toys and materials. Leather, latex, and different textures can become part of the sensory experience.
I have written previously about the emotional benefits of kink play and the value of engaging all five senses in gay men’s sexuality. Identifying as a side, then, does not describe an absence of sexuality. It describes a preference within a broad menu of sexual possibilities.
Sexual Health Is Bigger Than Any Particular Sexual Act
Whatever someone chooses to do sexually, I return to the Six Principles of Sexual Health as applied to gay men, developed by sex therapist Doug Braun-Harvey and incorporated into his work with Michael Vigorito:
- Consent
- Non-exploitation
- Honesty
- Shared values
- Prevention of sexually transmitted and blood-borne infections
- Pleasure
What is striking about this framework is what does not appear on the list. Healthy sex does not require penetration or any other particular act. Instead, these principles help us ask whether our sexual lives are consensual, ethical, honest, compatible with our values, attentive to health, and pleasurable. Sex-negative cultures too often forget that last principle.
Pleasure is especially relevant to sides. Sex does not have to hurt or frighten you. It does not have to require elaborate preparation for an activity you simply do not enjoy. Sometimes the answer really can be, “I like these other things better.” That is enough.
Preference and Avoidance Are Not the Same
There is an important clinical distinction that deserves careful attention: Are you choosing not to have anal sex because you genuinely prefer other activities, or are you avoiding it because something about it frightens you?
A man may prefer oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage, toys, kink, or other forms of stimulation. Anal intercourse simply does not interest him very much. That is a preference.
Another man may be curious about receptive anal sex but avoid it because he expects pain. Perhaps he tried bottoming once and had an uncomfortable experience. He might fear HIV or another sexually transmitted infection, feel anxious about cleanliness or fecal matter, worry about embarrassment with a partner, or follow an elaborate douching ritual because he believes he must be perfectly “clean” before anyone can come near him.
Sometimes a man has never tried bottoming but has already concluded that it must be painful, dirty, dangerous, or humiliating. In that situation, identifying as a side could describe both a preference and an avoidance strategy.
This does not mean anyone needs to be talked into anal sex. Nobody does. It means each man deserves enough accurate information and support to understand his own reasons.
If this distinction sounds familiar, therapy or coaching can offer a confidential place to explore it. The purpose is not to persuade you to have anal sex. It is to help you understand whether a boundary reflects your authentic preference, fear that deserves care and information, or some combination of both.
Bottoming Is a Sexual Skill
One gap in conventional sexuality education is that receptive anal intercourse is rarely taught as a sexual skill. Even relatively comprehensive programs are more likely to explain vaginal intercourse, pregnancy, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections than to teach a young gay man how receptive anal sex works.
Gay men have often learned from friends, partners, porn, Reddit, websites, trial and error, or an older and more experienced gay man. An important aspect of gay male sexual functioning has therefore been passed along as folk knowledge. I have written more specifically about the information and support that can help gay men overcome a fear of bottoming or a fear of topping.
Comfortable receptive anal sex is not simply a matter of deciding to tolerate penetration. Relaxation, communication, sufficient lubrication, gradual stimulation, arousal, pacing, and familiarity with one’s body can all matter. New York anal surgeon Dr. Evan Goldstein, founder of Bespoke Surgical and Future Method, has also focused on gay men’s anal health and education. Future Method offers graduated anal dilators intended for gradual training and preparation.
None of this means a side needs to “graduate” into becoming a bottom. Education helps distinguish “I do not want this” from “I am afraid of this.” Making that distinction for yourself is sexual self-empowerment.
Gay Men Deserve Better Sex Education
This is one reason I reject the old idea that accurate information about sex encourages irresponsible behavior. Research reviews have generally associated comprehensive sexual-risk-reduction programs with favorable outcomes involving pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, and protective sexual behavior. Evidence supporting abstinence-only approaches has been much less consistent.
Good sex education does not command people to have sex. It helps them make informed decisions when sexuality becomes relevant to their lives, and gay men deserve that same standard.
Education must also include more than disease prevention. It should address pleasure, consent, communication, sexual diversity, sexual functioning, and the basic fact that gay male sexuality cannot be reduced to who puts a penis into whom.
Being a Side Can Simply Be Fun
Another possibility may be too obvious to require a therapist to point it out: Some gay men are sides because side sex is fun.
It can be spontaneous and may require less preparation. It can remove concerns about discomfort associated with penetration. Depending on the activities and how they are practiced, it may change sexual-health risks, although it does not eliminate them. It can also shift attention away from performance and toward pleasure.
Two bodies kissing, touching, rubbing, licking, sucking, masturbating, wrestling, playing, fantasizing, and experimenting together are not waiting for the “real sex” to begin. They are already having sex.
That matters because sexual scripts can become surprisingly rigid. If gay men absorb the idea that every sexual encounter must culminate in anal intercourse, we risk recreating the narrow assumptions that heterosexual culture has historically imposed around penis-vagina intercourse. Our sexuality can be much more imaginative.
Are You a Side or Are You Avoiding Something
If you are a gay man who does not engage in receptive anal sex, or anal intercourse at all, consider asking yourself:
- Do I genuinely prefer other sexual activities?
- When I imagine anal sex, do I feel uninterested or frightened?
- If pain, cleanliness, infection, embarrassment, or lack of knowledge were no longer concerns, would I be curious about trying it?
- Am I saying no because I want to say no, or because fear is saying it for me?
Neither answer obligates you to do anything. Knowing the answer simply returns the decision to you.
You might decide that you want accurate information, gradual experimentation, help from a knowledgeable physician, or support from a qualified sex therapist. You might consider all of that and still say, “Nope. I still do not want it.” Excellent.
The goal is not anal sex. The goal is sexual self-empowerment: understanding your body, desires, boundaries, health, and options well enough to make sexual choices that genuinely belong to you.
Whether you are a top, a bottom, versatile, a side, or someone who does not care for any of those labels, the same principle applies: Say yes when you want to say yes. Say no when you want to say no. Do both without hesitation, guilt, or apology.
If this article reflects something you are trying to understand or change, you do not have to work through it alone. I offer Individual Therapy for Gay Men in California and Coaching for Gay Men Worldwide via telehealth. To explore whether working together would be a good fit, request a complimentary 15-minute consultation by emailing Ken@GayTherapyLA.com for therapy, Ken@GayCoachingLA.com for coaching, or calling 310-339-5778.
About the author
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST is a psychotherapist and AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist with over 30 years of experience working almost exclusively with gay men. A former USC faculty member, he is also the host of The Gay Therapy LA Podcast, where he explores the psychology, relationships, and inner lives of gay men – and he brings that same depth and practicality into his work with clients through therapy (California) and coaching (worldwide) via telehealth.
