When You Know You’re Ugly: A Gay Man’s Guide to Coping with Physical Unattractiveness
Facing the Reality of Physical Attractiveness
As gay men, we are seemingly inundated with ideas, images, and pressures about appearance. The photos that are used in gay apps like Grindr, Scruff, Tindr, and others. The images on the covers of gay magazines, or used in advertising targeting gay men for fashion, alcohol, even pharmaceuticals. The proliferation of gyms and personal fitness trainers. Posters in department stores, or billboards everywhere we ride or drive. Gay men competing for attention according to their appearance in bars, clubs, or social gatherings. The number of “likes, comments, and shares” in reaction to posted social media photos.
It is well known that there can be awkwardness, self-consciousness, competition, judgment, and hierarchy in gay men’s cultural settings about appearance, before consideration of any other personal trait. There can be Adonis Complex, “fat phobia”, competition to wear prestigious brands, racism, ageism, classism (how expensive the clothes one wears, or if the man can afford expensive skin care products, cosmetic procedures, or high-end clothes/accessories). I’ve written before about what “gay men aren’t telling you on dates,” and some of this can be about their reaction(s) to your appearance (that article is here).
Gay men often endure pressures around their appearance that women do. Cliche’s like “why are all the cute ones gay” from straight women, or cultural hierarchy issues like gay men who “never have to pay for a drink” because someone is always buying them one because they find them attractive. Or guys who get inundated with messages on the apps. Or guys who get guys giving them their phone numbers on little pieces of paper in public or at parties, or guys asking for their Instagram handle. Or guys who seem to have a line of guys waiting to talk to them at bars or parties. Or guys who hold longer eye contact, or who pay more attention to one guy in a couple or a group in a conversation, at the expense of ignoring the others, such as asking only the guy they’re attracted to questions, or reacting to their jokes/statements while ignoring either the other person in a duo or the other guys in a group. Guys agreeing with the statements of guys they are attracted to, or validating their statements by nodding or laughing, even if they don’t actually agree with what’s being said.
In a culture where “pretty privilege” is very real (I wrote a previous article about this, here) — where social status (being on all the invitation lists), dating opportunities (having a full social calendar, or even just getting to hook up often), and even professional success (getting recruited, hiring, performance evaluations, promotions, raises, “exceptions to the rules”, being included in groups or committees, being asked for input at work meetings, etc.) can be influenced by how attractive someone is.
However, it’s difficult to ignore the reality that not everyone is blessed with conventional good looks. Some people are considered (and reacted to) as exceptionally attractive on a broad basis and wide “standard of beauty” globally and receive almost countless social advantages for it that are not based on what they do, but what they “look like” doing it. Others, though, recognize that they are on the other end of the spectrum, where traditional attractiveness is not one of their strengths. And despite this being incredibly awkward to even think about, write about, or discuss, those of us who know, know that this is a “thing”: IYKYK (“if you know, you know”).
This isn’t about self-deprecation or a negative self-image driven by insecurity, or the realities of the hit our self-esteem takes as gay men growing up in a generally heterosexist or homophobic world; t’s about facing reality in an honest and pragmatic way. If you’ve ever thought, I know I’m ugly, or have received feedback that confirms it (such as rude, anonymous, unsolicited comments on social media posts), the question becomes: How do you deal with this knowledge in a way that allows you to live a fulfilling life?
Let’s break it down, without the usual platitudes of, Oh, you’re just fine the way you are!
- Accepting the Truth Without Self-Punishment
There is an important difference between accepting a reality and hating oneself for it. Recognizing that you are not conventionally attractive does not mean that you are unworthy, unlovable, or that you have no social value. Beauty is one social currency, but it is not the only one.
The key to coping with physical unattractiveness is to acknowledge it without self-loathing. Many people find self-acceptance difficult because they attach their worth too heavily to external validation. But think about it: Attractiveness is largely genetic. Did you choose your bone structure? Your facial symmetry? Your height? Your body type? Your teeth arrangement? Your skin tone? Your natural muscularity? The natural width of your clavicle? The color of your eyes? The shape of your nose? The size of your “manhood”? The pattern of your chest hair? The density of your beard? The texture and density of your hair? No. So why blame yourself for something you had no control over?
Instead of wasting energy wishing you looked different, shift your focus toward what you can control.
- Finding Other Forms of Social Currency
If physical attractiveness is one form of social currency, what are some others?
- Charisma and Humor: Being socially engaging and funny can make you magnetic, even if you aren’t traditionally handsome.
- Confidence and Self-Respect: People are drawn to those who carry themselves with assurance, regardless of their looks.
- Kindness and Generosity: People appreciate those who make them feel valued; there is a saying, “people will forget what you do, but they don’t tend to forget how you made them feel.”
- Intelligence and Knowledge: Being interesting and insightful gives people a reason to engage with you. Studying interesting topics and cultivating your knowledge. Expressing enthusiasm for the things you like. Avoiding excessive complaining or criticism of others. Listening to the interests of others.
- Skill and Talent: Whether it’s in music, writing, art, acting, business, or activism, developing expertise that makes you stand out.
Many of the most influential, charismatic, or successful people in history were not conventionally attractive. First, think about a list of the people you have admired most in your life, or in history. Harvey Milk? Eleanor Roosevelt? Martin Luther King? Barack Obama? Michelle Obama? Bernie Sanders? John F. Kennedy? Now: think about how “traditionally attractive” they were. Some were, some were not. But even for the ones that were not traditionally attractive, we admired them for what they accomplished or stood for. For some, what they lacked in looks, they made up for in impact. So ask yourself, What traits or skills/talents can I cultivate in myself that will make me stand out?
- Understanding (and Navigating) Pretty Privilege
Yes, pretty privilege exists. Attractive people are more likely to be hired, promoted, invited to social events, and pursued romantically. They are smiled at more, listened to more, and given the benefit of the doubt more often. They even get lesser sentences for the same crimes as others. They are seen as more socially sympathetic, even if they (allegedly) are criminals (such as the case of Luigi Mangione).
But what can you do with this knowledge?
- Accept it as an unfair reality, but not a personal failure. It’s frustrating, but it’s part of human psychology that exists in all cultures, and throughout history (such as the legend of Helen of Troy being so beautiful that thousands of (straight) men went to war over her, “the face that launched a thousand ships.”)
- Work on areas where you can still enhance your presence. Grooming, styling, posture, and presence (in accordance with what you can reasonably afford financially, or in healthy ways (avoiding extreme surgeries, eating disorders, or endless “glow up” efforts) can all enhance how people perceive you, even if they don’t make you conventionally attractive.
- Surround yourself with people who value deeper qualities. The superficial world will always exist, especially when the community of gay men is known for this, worldwide, but so will circles of people who care more about substance, which one could easily argue is the majority of people.
- Recognize unconscious biases in yourself. Even if you’re on the receiving end of beauty bias, have you ever caught yourself treating conventionally attractive people differently? Awareness of this can help reshape your thinking; you want to avoid being guilty of the same bias that you’re a victim of yourself.
- Recognize that every “pretty person” ages. If you consider the history of supermodels or Hollywood stars, many or most do not “stand the test of time.” While some will still look unusually good at older ages (Harrison Ford, Denzel Washington, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Brad Pitt, Helen Mirren, Lee Majors, Jaclyn Smith, etc.) most will not have the same impact when they are older as when they were younger (Mickey Rourke, Jan-Michael Vincent, Keith Richards, Matthew Perry).
- Cultivating Emotional Resilience
It’s natural to feel resentment or sadness about how society treats people differently based on looks. But the question is: How much power are you willing to give that frustration?
You cannot control the gut reactions of strangers, but you can control how much their reactions define your sense of worth. Here are some strategies to keep your confidence intact:
- Practice Emotional Detachment: Not every frown, snub, or lack of attention is about you. People have their own biases, moods, and preoccupations. They might not reacting to your appearance, but because you remind them of someone (regardless of “beauty factor”) that reminds them of someone else whom they don’t like or treated them badly (like an ex, or an abuser).
- Build a Life That Fulfills You: Focus on your passions, purpose, hobbies, values, friendships, and goals so that external validation becomes less relevant.
- Limit Social Comparisons: Avoid dwelling on social media influencers, entertainment stars, or dating app culture that reinforces unrealistic beauty standards (especially with images that have been altered with filters and touch-ups, or enhanced by makeup artists, professional hair stylists, or retouching).
- How Therapy Can Help (CBT & ACT Approaches)
Therapy can be a powerful tool in helping people navigate self-perception and societal biases. Two particularly effective approaches are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
CBT: Reframing Negative Thoughts
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps people identify and challenge distorted thinking patterns. If you constantly think, I’m ugly, so no one will ever respect or love me, CBT helps you examine the evidence and replace that thought with something more constructive.
- Step 1: Identify automatic negative thoughts, especially ones that begin with “I” or “everyone” or “always” or “never”.
- Step 2: Question the accuracy, context, and endurance of the negative statement. What objective evidence for this is there? Even if someone (like on social media) leaves a mean or cruel insult, assess the validity of the speaker. Is this someone you respect? Are they qualified to judge? Are they guilty of hypocrisy? Is this a transient/temporary situation? People who truly respect you (including yourself) will not crudely criticize you.
- Step 3: Replace them with rational, self-compassionate beliefs that affirm your worth and dignity as a human being.
For example, rather than saying, No one will ever find me attractive, you could reframe it as, Attractiveness is subjective, and I have other qualities that make me appealing. It’s very hard to find someone who is “unattractive” to everyone; different people find different traits attractive (even seemingly unconventional ones).
ACT: Accepting and Moving Forward
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy encourages people to accept their reality rather than fighting against it. It helps you focus on what truly matters to you rather than what society dictates.
- Step 1: Accept that some people will judge based on looks—but that doesn’t mean their judgment defines your worth. They are not the last word or the true qualified authority on the subject.
- Step 2: Identify what truly makes your life meaningful; the people, places, things, activities, and situations where you find yourself the most relaxed, having fun, feeling satisfied, feeling fulfilled, proud, relieved, or accomplished.
- Step 3: Take action toward your values (cultivating friendships with a variety of people; cultivating both career and avocational satisfaction; exploring your own creativity; engaging in meaningful advocacy and activism, etc.).
Rather than wasting energy trying to “fix” an unchangeable trait, ACT helps you redirect that energy into creating a fulfilling, meaningful life. While I have seen the benefits of reasonable cosmetic interventions (such as in the history of the AIDS crisis when young gay men with gaunt faces from facial lipoatrophy from the virus or its related medications getting fillers to restore a more neutral appearance), or a reasonable adjustment such as with rhinoplasty (“nose jobs”), “discretion is the better part of valor.” The kind of cosmetic work that Jane Fonda or Jaclyn Smith have had has been aesthetically effective; the kind from Joan Rivers, Michael Jackson, or Jocelyn Widenstein was not.
Final Thoughts: The Importance of Self-Worth
At the end of the day, your worth is not dictated by conventional attractiveness. Yes, the world is sometimes unfair in its treatment of people based on looks, but that does not mean your life cannot be rich, fulfilling, and full of connection, with a full/normal range of emotions and experiences.
By developing social skills, confidence, talents, and emotional resilience, you shift the focus from what you lack to what you offer. And that is where true self-worth begins.
Being conventionally attractive is one way to get social and romantic attention—but it is far from the only way. And for those who cultivate presence, personality, and purpose, it can become irrelevant altogether.
Want to Talk More?
If you’ve struggled with self-worth, attractiveness, or social acceptance and want professional guidance, I offer specialized therapy and coaching for gay men.
📞 Call or Text: 310-339-5778
📧 Email: Ken@GayTherapyLA.com
🌐 Visit: GayTherapyLA.com
You deserve to feel valued, confident, and empowered—no matter how you look.
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (#LCS18290) in California, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and a retired academic (Adjunct Associate Professor) at the University of Southern California (USC) Suzanne Dworak-Peck School of Social Work, and the Founder of GayTherapyLA. He has been working in LGBT and HIV/AIDS activism since 1988. He is now the most experienced gay men’s specialist psychotherapist and life/career/relationship coach for 33 years in 2025, and is in full-time private practice in West Hollywood, California, where he lives with his husband of 23 years. A library of hundreds of blog articles are available on GayTherapyLA.com/blog, GayCoachingLA.com/blog, and his podcast is heard by over 10,000 people per month in over 120 countries of the world. For more information on therapy or coaching services or to make an appointment, call/text 310-339-5778 or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com.
