Every autumn, the Jewish calendar ushers in Yom Kippur, the “Day of Atonement.” It is traditionally a solemn day of fasting, prayer, confession, and renewal. For observant Jews, it is the holiest day of the year. For those of us outside Judaism, though, there are still universal lessons here worth pausing to consider.
I’ve written before about a secular appreciation of Easter (rebirth) and a secular appreciation of Christmas (generosity and connection). Yom Kippur, while very different in tone, offers something just as meaningful: a chance to look at ourselves honestly, to repair what can be repaired, and to step into the next season of life with a little less baggage.
Reflection & “Taking Stock”
Jewish tradition calls this process teshuvah, which literally means “returning” — a turning back toward integrity. In the Talmud, teshuvah is linked with three acts: prayer, confession, and charity. But outside a religious frame, we might think of it simply as:
- Inner honesty (naming where we fell short),
- Expression (acknowledging it to ourselves or others), and
- Repair (doing something constructive in response).
Psychologists sometimes call this a kind of life inventory — similar to journaling, a year-end review, or even the “fearless moral inventory” step in recovery programs. Whether in synagogue, in therapy, or in the privacy of your own thoughts, reflection is about choosing alignment over autopilot.
Apology & Forgiveness
Jewish texts emphasize that Yom Kippur cannot “atone” for harm done to others unless we try to make amends. That resonates far beyond religion. Social science shows that apology strengthens trust and forgiveness reduces stress and blood pressure.
For gay men, this can hit home:
- Many of us carry wounds from rejection, bullying, or shame. Forgiveness here is not about excusing, but about unburdening.
- On the flip side, we may have hurt others — through ghosting, dishonesty, or selfishness. Owning that doesn’t weaken us. It strengthens our integrity.
As the philosopher Hannah Arendt once wrote, forgiveness is what frees us from the irreversibility of the past. You don’t need religion to understand that.
Renewal & The Clean Slate
Yom Kippur ends not in guilt but in renewal. The Hebrew Bible’s words — “you shall be clean” (Leviticus 16:30) — echo a human longing to begin again. Secular traditions have their own versions:
- New Year’s resolutions,
- Spring cleaning,
- Even therapy itself, which often revolves around rewriting our stories.
For gay men, renewal is familiar terrain. We’ve reinvented ourselves after breakups, career changes, health crises, or coming out. Renewal says: you are not trapped by your past. You can live by new choices tomorrow.
Respect Without Appropriation
I want to pause here. Yom Kippur is not mine. It is a sacred Jewish holiday. Non-Jews should not mimic its rituals casually.
But just as you don’t have to be Christian to appreciate the generosity of Christmas, you don’t have to be Jewish to appreciate Yom Kippur’s message of reflection, apology, forgiveness, and renewal. As a therapist, I often borrow useful ideas from psychology, literature, and even religion, not to “convert” anyone, but to help us live more intentionally.
An Invitation to Gay Men
So this year, as Yom Kippur arrives, here’s an invitation — whether you are Jewish, agnostic, atheist, spiritual-but-not-religious, or none of the above:
- Who in your life deserves your apology?
- Who in your life do you need to forgive — not to excuse them, but to free yourself?
- What patterns from the past year would you like to leave behind?
- What values do you want to carry into the next?
These are timeless human questions. And for us, as gay men, they can be especially powerful — because we know something about shame, and we also know something about turning shame into pride, and isolation into community.
So may your reflections be honest, your apologies humble, your forgiveness generous, and your renewal bold.
A Call to Action
If Yom Kippur’s themes resonate with you — reflection, apology, forgiveness, and renewal — you don’t have to walk through them alone. Therapy and coaching can be a safe place to explore what’s weighing you down, make sense of your relationships, and practice living more in line with your values.
If you’re a gay man in California seeking psychotherapy, visit GayTherapyLA.com to learn more. If you’re outside California but anywhere else in the U.S. or worldwide, I offer coaching services through GayCoachingLA.com. You can also call or text me at 310-339-5778 to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
About Ken Howard, LCSW, CST
I’m a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Sex Therapist with over 30 years of experience as a specialist in gay men’s mental health. Based in Los Angeles, I work with clients locally and internationally, helping them overcome shame, build confidence, strengthen relationships, and live authentically.
I’ve also taught at the USC Suzanne Dworak-Peck School of Social Work, where I trained graduate students in clinical practice and LGBT issues. Through my blog, podcast, and coaching, my mission is to empower gay men to thrive — personally, professionally, and in their relationships.
