The Success Principles for Gay Men: What We Can Learn from Jack Canfield
By Ken Howard, LCSW, CST
As a gay men’s specialist psychotherapist, certified sex therapist, and coach for over three decades, I’ve worked with thousands of gay men on building not just healthier relationships and sex lives, but stronger careers, relationships, financial security, health, creative projects, and overall quality of life. In that time, I’ve seen one universal truth: gay men thrive when they learn how to set and pursue goals that are authentic, empowered, and unapologetic.
Jack Canfield’s The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be remains one of the most comprehensive, actionable personal development books ever written. While it wasn’t written specifically for gay men, the themes within it deeply resonate for those of us who have had to fight to define our own lives against the current of social expectations, minority stress, family rejection, or internalized shame.
This article highlights key principles from Canfield’s work — not all 64, but the ones I believe most powerfully serve gay men today. I’ve also drawn connections between these ideas and the themes I’ve covered across the GayTherapyLA blog, podcast, speaking, and webinars, where I help gay men tackle issues from career burnout to community competition to building self-worth after trauma.
A Deeper Look into Canfield’s Success Principles
1. Take 100% Responsibility for Your Life
Canfield opens the book with a tough but empowering truth: no matter your past, you are responsible for your future. This can be hard for gay men who’ve faced discrimination, family estrangement, or religious trauma (topics I’ve written about in detail). But taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself or excusing the oppressive, discriminatory, and hateful actions of others — it means reclaiming your power.
Self-empowerment and reclaiming are probably my two favorite words in both my therapy and coaching services, because they imply and activate a sense of hope and “fuel” for directing, or re-directing, your life according to your own values, priorities, and goals — your authentic self, for theoretically a very long lifetime.
“You’re not responsible for what happened to you. But you’re 100% responsible for what you do next.”
One of Canfield’s most interesting phrases is “Event + Response = Outcome.” You can’t always control the events that happen to you, but you can control your response — and that shapes the outcome.
2. Decide What You Want
Many of us have spent years silencing what we truly want — in love, sex, career, prosperity, or creative pursuits — because we feared judgment. Canfield urges us to be boldly specific about our desires. Not vague wishes. Actual, written-down, emotionally charged goals.
He cites formal academic research showing that people who have goals do better in life, those who write them down do even better, and those who regularly review them do best of all. Goals focus our unconscious minds — like a well-trained dog — to act in service of our desires. Affirmations can help turn those desires into reality.
In sessions, I often ask clients to identify what they want, not what they think is allowed — whether it’s launching a business, leaving a toxic job, or pursuing a lifestyle that honors their true identity.
3. Believe It’s Possible
Canfield emphasizes belief as a cornerstone of success. Many gay men grow up being told — directly or indirectly — that our lives will be smaller, sadder, or less valid. That conditioning can sabotage ambition.
I work with clients to challenge limiting beliefs using tools from Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Existential Therapy, Developmental Therapy, and more. I often quote Louise Hay: “That’s just a thought, and a thought can be changed.”
4. Use the Law of Attraction… Wisely
Canfield embraces the Law of Attraction — the idea that your mindset and energy attract matching outcomes. While I approach this with psychological nuance, the message holds: when gay men are stuck in shame or scarcity, they tend to attract relationships and environments that reflect those feelings.
In contrast, when they raise their self-worth — as I promote in Building Gay Male Confidence — they begin to manifest more aligned, healthier, and more fulfilling outcomes.
5. Surround Yourself with Success-Oriented People
You become the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Gay men — especially those new to urban life or recovering from trauma — benefit greatly from supportive, growth-oriented peers.
Try this exercise: list the people you regularly spend time with. Put a plus sign next to those who support and uplift you. Put a minus sign next to those who drain or criticize you. Spend more time with the “pluses” and limit the “minuses.” Your environment shapes your mental health more than you might think.
6. Clean Up Your ‘Incompletes’
Unfinished business — emotionally, relationally, financially — clutters your energy. Canfield teaches that consciously completing or releasing loose ends allows for forward movement. Louise Hay recommended physically cleaning your space as a metaphor for mental clarity. I assign this often in therapy: clean out your desk, complete a task you’ve avoided, have a tough conversation. What’s uncomfortable now can bring comfort later.
7. Celebrate Your Wins
Many gay men are taught to be humble or invisible. But celebrating your victories reinforces your sense of capability and joy. I encourage ritual and ceremony — not just for birthdays or anniversaries, but for personal growth milestones. Recognize them. Honor them. Let them fuel your journey.
8. Ask, Ask, Ask
Whether you’re asking for a raise, a date, help, or a new opportunity — many gay men hesitate due to fear of rejection. Canfield says ask anyway.
One of my favorite personal stories is how I got to intern on the set of The Golden Girls in the 1980s. How? I asked. Repeatedly. Sometimes the answer will be no. But not asking guarantees it will be no. Ask.
Final Thoughts
Jack Canfield’s The Success Principles is more than a motivational book — it’s a blueprint. But gay men must read it through the lens of our lived experiences: navigating marginalization, rewriting internal narratives, confronting Inner Critics, and building self-defined lives.
If you’re a gay man striving to build something meaningful — whether it’s a business, a relationship, or a better self — you don’t have to do it alone.
Reach out. Let’s build something together.
About the Author
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (#LCS18290) in California, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and a retired Adjunct Associate Professor at the University of Southern California (USC) Suzanne Dworak-Peck School of Social Work. He is the Founder of GayTherapyLA and has been working in LGBT and HIV/AIDS activism since 1988. With over 33 years of experience, he is now the most experienced gay men’s specialist psychotherapist and life/career/relationship coach in the United States. He lives with his husband of 23 years in West Hollywood, California.
Hundreds of blog articles are available at GayTherapyLA.com/blog and GayCoachingLA.com/blog, and his podcast is heard by over 10,000 people per month in over 120 countries. For therapy or coaching appointments, call/text 310-339-5778 or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com.
